AO: The Swanson

When: 04/14/2021

PAX:

Number of Pax: 7

Pax Names: Chick Flick, Ditka, Excitebike, Forest Gump, Go Blue!, Short Circuit, Tri-Delt,

Number of FNGS: 1

FNG Names: Mojo Watkins

QIC: Short Circuit


The BackBlast:

Intro:

What an incredibly weird morning this was. You wouldn’t BELIEVE what happened at the AO. Here goes…

YHC signed up to Q, and since he missed the One-Year Anniversary Beatdown, he was hard-pressed to make sure everyone got a good thrashing. So the PAX start rolling in, and YHC looks at his watch – 05:30. YHC clears his throat to start the disclaimer, and BAM! We hear a loud crash over on the road. Being the HIM we are, we mosey to the road to check what was going on, and are greeted by the strangest sight – a long-hair scraggly man, wearing an eye patch and holding a giant net on a long pole is attempting to wrangle up one of the Canadian Geese that grace us in Fort Collins. The bang we heard was him hitting a light pole (more on that later).

As the man cautiously approaches the goose, we hear him mumbling something to himself. This man is obviously crazy YHC is thinking; I’m torn between calling an ambulance for him or calling animal control (again, for him). I let the PAX know we should turn back (all of us thoroughly weirded out at this point), when the man starts SCREAMING bloody murder.

We turn back again to see that while he was trying to snag one goose, a few others had come up from behind him and started pecking at him, and one must have got him in the goods.

No joke – quicker than a flash – Excitebike and Tri-Delt (the daring brotherly duo they are) run across the road, and STRAIGHT UP DROP-KICK these birds. Ditka managed to find a pole nearby and was beating them away as well. It was mayhem. We must have stumbled onto a giant nest of these critters.

Whatever the case, Gump and I manage to help the old man to his feet while the Brothers and Ditka handle the geese. We’re asking the guy if he’s alright, but he seems incoherent. Go Blue! offered to run back and grab his phone to call 911, but before we could answer the man waves us off “I’m fine!” he mumbles. We ask him his name. “Mojo Watkins” he says. Weird name.

By this point, all the geese have been driven off, all the PAX assembled to talk with Mojo about the incident. Here’s what we were able to gather through some of his babbling (pretty sure he was drinking).

  • He has three grandchildren
  • He was at a party of some kind (sounded like a birthday party, but when we asked him about it, he kept mentioning “Cinco de Mayo”..??)
  • A goose bit his granddaughter
  • He wants revenge

By this point, a number of cars had gathered to rubber-neck, and an ambulance and police had arrived. Mojo was coherent by this point (maybe trying to sober up for the police?), so the officer said we didn’t need to give a statement at that time, but might need to. I handed him an F3 card with my number and email (and possibly a slight EH nudge).

We gathered up, and started our mosey back to the ShovelFlag, eager to end the “workout” and make it coffeeteria to process what just happened; that’s when we heard it – ANOTHER BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM.

This time it was in the direction of the shovelflag. I’m hauling to get back and see what’s going on – jacked up on the adrenaline of what we had just experienced – and take a quick side-eye glance to see who’s still with me. I’m noticing we’re one short, and I see up ahead who it is.

Chick Flick is spreading his arms, yelling “Back! Back!” to some stray dog that has both him and (what looks like) a small child cornered against a car. The scream we heard must have come from the kid.

UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE I think. I couldn’t take much more. I pulled the shovelFlag out of the ground, yelled out a solid “Not today Satan!” and pelted that pooch something fierce. The last thing I heard was the yelps and yips of that hound running, tail between his legs westward into the park.

As it turns out, Chick Flick had gone back to get his phone, but ran into Gump’s 2.2 (Duplo) who had hidden in the trunk of his old man’s car to catch him before work, but fell asleep. When Chick Flick went back to get his phone, Duplo was just getting himself unstuck from the trunk when that rabid Doge descended.

Man – what a morning.

YHC took us out, with prayers for protection, peace, and for Mojo Watkins. What a weird guy.

COT:

  • Praise! Gump was officially dubbed “Mr. Manager” at his place of employement
  • #TAP for ExciteBike and Tri-Delt’s sister who was recently diagnosed with Cancer
  • #TAP for ExciteBike with an upcoming surgery
  • #TAP for Ditka’s FiL with a lump in his lung

Naked Man Moleskin:

None. You had to have been there.

F3 Fort Collins